Things That Trouble You
Here is a list of the most common problems that bedevil noble Mailing Listers and, less importantly, general visitors to the Web site. It's highly likely that the answer to whatever annoyance afflicts you lies below. If it doesn't, however, my apologies. I don't know what you're going to do now. You could try building your own Internet, I suppose, just to spite me.
I've joined the Mailing List, but I am not getting the Mailing List Mails (or, I used to get them, but I don't now).
How do I join the Mailing List?
I want to change my Mailing List address.
When I dye my hair, I can't help dying some of my skin too.
The Thing-o-Matic doesn't work.
I live in America/in Iran/deep under the sea - what in the name of God is a Pot Noodle?
Could I get a signed copy of one of your books please?
When do you update your TMGAIHAA page, then?
Is there going to be a movie of the TMGAIHAA novel?
Where's the TMGAIHAA Frequently Asked Questions page?
I've joined the Mailing List, but I am not getting the Mailing List Mails.
Well, they don't go
out very frequently - every one or two months, perhaps - so that might be
it. You can check if you got the latest one by going to the Mailing
List page subbing down, then immediately subbing up again. You'll get
a confirmation of both of these actions and the sub-up confirmation will contain
a link to the last Mailing List Mail that was sent.
However, it's very likely that I'm sending them to you, but they're
being binned before you see them. The Mailing List is - shockingly - a list.
Increasingly, because of the amount of junk mail around, ISPs and email service
providers are setting up filters which assume anything that comes from
a list is spam, and automatically delete it or throw it into a spam folder.
However, you can probably set an option somewhere (it's called 'whitelisting')
to allow through mail that comes from the Mailing List address (all Mailing
List Mails comes from mil_admin@falsebitthingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com
- obviously, you need to remove the 'falsebit' in that
address, I'm adding it here so that spammers' spiders can't pull it from the
page).
Another problem might be that your corporate filter stops the mails getting
to you. I'm incredibly careful not to use any words that fascistic
corporate email filters might object to. 'Nipple', for example. However, one
can never completely second guess stupidity, so they'll sometimes find something
to object to anyway. 'Orifice', say. What's more, some of them will block
my mails simply because they contain too many words. No, I'm not kidding.
I think the reasoning is that an email that contains above a certain amount
of words cannot be work-related - because the company is part of a grunting,
inarticulate industry - but must instead be personal correspondence. There's
nothing you can do about this except change your Mailing List address to your
home one/one you can read online, or hand in your resignation, telling them
precisely why you refuse to work there anymore. I suggest the latter option.
Also, Comcast is breath-takingly rubbish. If you use Comcast, just don't bother
to sign up to the Mailing List, you'll never get it. You won't even get the
'I am of sound mind. Please go ahead and add me to the List' verification
message that's part of the sign-up process. We've told them repeatedly but,
apparently, Comcast prefers to decide what email its users get rather than
leaving that to the users themselves.
How do I join the Mailing List?
The Mailing List is the home of eliteness, urbanity and intelligence. Without wishing to be rude, you may want to have a think about whether you're suited to such company, given that you're unable to spot a 318x48 rollover image that reads "Join The Mailing List... Here" immediately below the final TMGAIHAA entry.
I am not a fool. However, due to laudanum-induced confusion or vile indolence I've only just joined the Mailing List. Are all the previous Mailing List Mails, the ones I've missed, available somewhere?
No. This question gets asked a lot. So much, in fact, that round about the era of Mailing List Mail #10 we had a vote (in the Florida sense of the word) on whether previous Mails should be made available to tardy newcomers or the thrillingly ephemeral nature of them preserved. People who had been on the List since the beginning overwhelmingly replied, 'To hell with the newcomers.' Democracy had spoken. However, with the Webpage becoming a monument rather than a still-growing thing, I do feel a slight itch in my conscience. This could be scratched by counter-balancing the loss of the Webpage for my beloved Mailing Listers with the provision for them of an archive of all the old Mailing List Mails. I will think hard on this. You can trust, though, that any such access would, as tradition dictates, be provided in the most infuriating and awkward fashion.
I want to change my Mailing List address.
Just go to the Mailing List page, sub-down the old address and sub-up the new one.
When I dye my hair, I can't help dying some of my skin too.
Smear a little hair conditioner on to your skin before you start.
The Thing-o-Matic doesn't work.
1) If you can't get
the page, it's possible that the server is temporarily down. The Thing-o-Matic
sits on a server in America, and is thus prone to fires. Try again later -
give it a couple of days, even.
2) You need to close each pop-up box containing the Random Thing before the
next one appears, rather than clicking the button making the next one appear
in the existing box. This, I know, is quirky. I am English.
3) Can't get a pop-up box at all? Well, that's possibly because you're running
something that actively prevents pop-ups appearing - the latest IE or the
Mac browser Safari for example. You can change the options to allow pop-ups
with IE, Safari - or anything else, for that matter. Just disable the pop-up
killer temporarily while you peruse the Thing-o-Matic.
4) "I've been clicking for six weeks, day and night, and I never get
number [whatever]. I've lost my job, my wife and children have left me, and
I'm caked in my old bodily waste. Number [whatever] obviously isn't working
so GIVE IT TO ME." Well, that's just the nature of randomness, I'm
afraid. Every time you click for a particular number - whether it's the first
time you've tried or the thousandth - you still have less than a 1-in-60 chance
of getting it. I don't have a magic way of making the Thing-o-Matic go to
a particular number - the Thing-o-Matic is its own master. If you've done
no work all day because you've been sitting there trying to get number [whatever],
then, well, that's what the Thing-o-Matic was designed for. Don't diss the
Thing-o-Matic, man, it's just doing its job.
I live in America/in Iran/deep under the sea - what in the name of God is a Pot Noodle?
In its Chicken and Mushroom incarnation, it's the apogee not only of food, but also, arguably, of British culture in its entirety: see here. A TV ad for them is viewable here. Also, if you have a fast Internet connection (the files are 12MB and 7MB respectively), then go here and here for two even better Pot Noodle TV ads.
Could I get a signed copy of one of your books, please?
There are some at The Weekly's Corner Shop. But they're there purely as a method of getting dedicated copies to people who (for some unfathomable reason) want my unattractive scrawl in the things. We can neither buy nor post copies of my books as cheaply as Amazon can, and - because you avoid postage costs altogether - simply going into your local bookshop and getting a copy is probably going to be the cheapest method of all for you. Honestly, unless it will genuinely lift your heart somehow to have a signed copy, then get the books from somewhere other than The Weekly and save yourself some money. We won't mind. We barely cover costs selling them anyway.
You suggest using proper bookshops, but I'm American and I can't find your books in the stores where I live.
Move to any other country in the world.
When do you update your TMGAIHAA page, then?
Tch. I don't now. As it clearly says at the bottom of it. And in the FAQs. TMGAIHAA 'updates' are in the Mailing List Mails - in the sense that I may include something which is TMGAIHAA-like in the course of the general rambling.
Is there going to be a movie of the TMGAIHAA novel?
Well, Working Title optioned it after they got hold of the first draft of the manuscript (that is, before it was even published). I've done a couple of drafts of the screenplay for them, they have a director attached and are insistent that they're going to make it. However, this is the movie world, so it's impossible to be sure. Moreover, Working Title like to spend a lot of time on development (they spent six years on the first Bridget Jones, for example, which is a reasonably typical example), so don't get perched on the edge of your seats.
My PC keeps freezing; completely - so that I need to reboot. This happens randomly, not just when I'm using a particular program. It's also noiser than it used to be.
Your CPU is over-heating because the fan isn't working properly. Take it to a computer shop and have a new fan fitted - they don't cost very much.
Where's the TMGAIHAA Frequently Asked Questions page?
It's here.